Who'd have thought canned meat could be so tasty?

I don’t have an issue with the amount of spam I receive, maybe 2 or 3 emails a day, and the filter on the always excellent Gmail catches them and shuffles them directly into the spam folder. The problem is that the little web daemons that send this stuff out have got so very good at creating emails that I want to open. The titles always sound like things I’d like to do:

“Relax and Take the Time” – Who wouldn’t like to relax and take the time? I don’t know what it is that I’d be taking the time for but in the hectic modern world I’m willing to bet that it strikes a chord with most people. Click to open… Cialis. Hmmm, not really what I was after.

“It may strengthen your relationship with your partner” – Is it a step-by-step guide to improved inter-marital communication? News about an exclusive couples nature retreat? I’d even be interested in a cheap mobile plan… Oh, Cialis. We meet again.

“Join the Millions” – I don’t want to miss out on the next big thing so I’ll just have a quick look… Cialis. I should have seen that coming shouldn’t I?

What ever happened to the good old fashioned, “Do you want a larger P5n1s?” At least you knew where you stood with spam who’s biggest achievement was managing to spell Viagra with more numbers than letters.

And then to really top it off, the emails are all supposedly from people with names so interesting that I’m briefly excited to be receiving communications from them. Charlie Choi sounds like a world-renowned concert Bassoonist. Isiah Ortega and Burl Crocker could easily be part of the starting defensive line for the Miami Dolphins. Polly Ott, Lindsay X. Hannah and Monty Ham I’m pretty sure are members of the nextwave organ-punk revival band Patrick Duffy’s Ghost.

But the one, more than all the others that I hope exists somewhere is Orlando Woodruff. Whether he’s a minor character on the Simpsons, a struggling sous chef working for tips on the Lower East Side or the commander of an underground vigilante group, committed to wiping out over-sized corporate art in all it forms I really hope he exists. If you know him, or know someone who does, maybe you could drop him my email address.