Like Catching Amoebic Dysentery from a Resturant called the Hygienic Steakhouse

The dishwasher in our new place came with the house. “A free dishwasher?” I hear you say, “How can you complain about a free dishwasher?” Well, it’s a little old and it doesn’t always clean glasses as well as it should. Not the end of the world but it’s a little annoying to have to wash the odd item by hand because it’s got cleaning residue stuck to the inside.

The thing that really burns my toast is that it’s called the Simpson Silencio 850. When you switch this bad boy on it’s like all the hellspawn of the Neverworld clearing their throats at the same time. So loud is the noise that the cats race from the house when it starts up. I don’t know what it’s doing but I don’t see how it could have anything to do with cleaning kitchenware.

After about 3 minutes the thing stops barking and it begins rhythmically swooshing. From the amount of water that you can hear being thrown around, it must be like a scene from the Poseidon Adventure if experienced from the inside. It then proceeds to whir and crank it’s way through the remaining cycles before finishing with a ‘clunk’ that sounds like it comes from a comedy sound effect archive.

I could handle a loud dishwasher, but the only excuse for it making such a din would be if it were the best-damned dishwasher ever. But it’s not. Some whiteware engineer with a sense of humour built a crap machine and called it the Silencio so now we live with a kitchen that belts out industrial Scandinavian krank metal once every other day.