It was either this or a clip show.
With Two gone, my life has fallen into a terrible state of disrepair. I have so many overdue fines at various video shops that I have been blacklisted. I had to open an account at a video store half an hour away, under an assumed name, just to rent a copy of The Godfather. On top of that, in the absence of Two, no one is about to put a stop to Ed’s harebrained ideas before they get out of hand. He’s started carrying out what he calls his ‘Investigation into the Entropy of Human Waste’. This involves him eating a banana while he takes a dump. Keeping a bowl of bananas in the bathroom is pretty disconcerting, but not half as bad as when I spied the measuring jug on top of the cistern. “What is this for?” I asked as I dropped the jug in Ed’s lap.
“Be careful. This is an integral part of my experiment. If you throw the calibration off I’ll have to start over.”
I knew I was going to regret it but I asked the question anyway. “How is it a part of your experiment?” Whatever he used it for it couldn’t be as bad as some of the stuff I’d imagined.
“Well I’m trying to see if the body performs better at full capacity. You know, if there is always the raw materials around then the furnace can burn at full flame.” I nodded but I didn’t like where this was going. “So I need to know how much I displace so I can replace it.” Please don’t say he has been…”So I pee into the measuring jug and then I know I have to drink at least as much water as I’ve just ejected.”
I didn’t know quite what to say. I thought for a moment he had been drinking his urine, so it wasn’t as bad as that but it still wasn’t good. I played the hygiene card, “This can’t be good for you. It’s piss. Surely you’ll get sick or something.”
“Urine is sterile, you can drink it. I know this ‘cause Tyler knows this.” Bloody Fight Club. I knew taking Ed to see it was a mistake. He is exactly the kind of person who would be stupid enough to ask you to hit him in the face as hard as you can. “And besides, I’m not drinking it, just measuring it, then it goes down the loo. I also sterilise the jug after every trial. It helps me to align my karma. I am perfectly in balance. What ever goes out is replaced in equal measure.”
What could I say? “It’s just gross.” Not the best argument but I really couldn’t think of a better one. And that’s the problem. I like Ed, he is a little left of centre but at least he’s not dull. If the third flatmate wasn’t running around Spain trying to sort things out with his possibly homosexual girlfriend, he would have found a way of stopping Ed eating bananas on the bog.
Then there is my work ethic. With Two constantly studying (he uses the line “I do this or people die. It’s as simple as that.” The tragedy is that his Jack Nicholson impression is so bad that I just laugh at him) I used to get shamed into doing at least a couple of hours work a day. With him gone, its got to the point where I’ve had to fake the last three entries. Steve was on my back the other day “Where the hell are the Naktong River, Nakuru and Nakuru Lake entries Jez?”
I held the phone over the keyboard and randomly tapped the keys. “I can’t understand this.” Type-type-type. “It says I sent them to you yesterday.” Type-typety-type. “I’ll try sending them again.”
Its not like they were important so I just used last edition’s and updated a little. The 2002 Encyclopaedia Britannica entry for Nakuru read:
Nakuru, town, west-central Kenya. It lies near the Mau Escarpment, 95 miles (153 Km) northwest of Nairobi, near the heart of the Kikuyu people’s homeland. An important agricultural centre, Nakuru is the headquarters of the Kenya Farmer’s Association. It is the site of Egerton College, an agricultural training school. Nakuru is a busy commercial and transport centre of west-central Kenya. Pop. (1984 est.) 101,700.
The 2007 Encyclopaedia Britannica entry will read:
Nakuru, town, west-central Kenya. It lies near the Mau Escarpment, 95 miles (153 Km) northwest of Nairobi, near the heart of the Kikuyu people’s homeland. An important agricultural centre, Nakuru is the headquarters of the Kenya Farmer’s Association. It is the site of Egerton College, an agricultural training school. Since 1998, it has benefited from an increase in tourist numbers and has become the number one Kenyan destination for European travellers. The main reason behind this is the large open-air concert, Barlowstock, which is held at the end of October every year. Initiated by Gary Barlow (former member of British pop group Take That) in 1997, it has now become the world’s premier music festival, with as many as 100,000 people from all over the world attending. Nakuru is a busy commercial and transport centre of west-central Kenya. Pop. (1984 est.) 101,700.
It could be true.